Fantasy League Auction? Ring any bells? Written by Stephen last season, bit 100% worthy of a repost this season….
Vincenzo Coccotti. The Sicilian counsel for Mr Blue Lou Boyle first introduced me to the 17 different things a guy can do to give himself away. A woman’s got 20, apparently. It is unfortunate that Mr Coccotti didn’t go on to list them: it cannot be merely coincidence that the True Romance script written mere weeks after the launch of Fantasy League in 1991. I suspect Quentin Tarantino wanted to keep these valuable tells to himself for his own Fantasy League auction – but over the course of 30 years of playing the high stakes life-and-death poker world of the annual Fantasy League auction, I reckon I’ve spotted a few. Managers don’t want to show others anything, but like retired cop Clifford Worley, they are in fact telling me everything.
There are 10 of us here, who have travelled from all over the country to a private room at The Hercules pub in Lambeth. Hardened veterans – Franco, Ivan, Charlie, Matt, Boyd, Neil, Jimmy, Ivan and myself. Together, we have close to 300 years’ auction experience. One newbie, Colin. Despite his excellent football knowledge, I know Colin’s team is going to end up a hot mess of over-priced mush, as always happens with newbies. The auction is explained to him. “So, you have a budget of £50 million. We all nominate players who are drawn randomly out of a hat. We all keep bidding, in hundreds of thousands up to 0.5 then half a million steps, until the auctioneer goes going once, going twice, 3rd and final time sold, and bangs the hammer down. And then we just draw another name out, and er, keep doing that for 8 hours.”
I am ready. I’ve won the league 4 of the last 5 years. I am respected, feared even. Franco joked he may as well just set up an annual direct debit to me for the prize money. As always, I did my auction preparation on the train. For each category – (Goalkeepers, Full backs, Centre Backs, Midfielders, Strikers), I place players into 5 categories based on how much I think they will go for at the auction. 1 is for freebies, up to 5 for ‘elite’- those who should go for 20% of a budget, so £10 million or more. The objective is simple – get managers to pay too much for their players and make sure I buy my players for their value or less. And, early on in the auction, make sure I nominate players who I think other managers are more likely to over-value. The auction is my territory, I am Coccotti, spotting the tells, and I will triumph. My strategy is simple: get four big points hitters from forwards or midfield, get a defence for under £5million and a midfield for close to free.
The arrivals. A key tell. Are you organised, early, with the detailed information from the Big Kick Off in the Racing Post? Or late, rushing in, no pen, and not even a copy of the Sunday papers’ sports section to help you out? And it is all a big mirage, to create the image you want us to see. I see through it all. I know your game.
The first name is out. Raya. A big anti-climax, but he goes for £5 million – far too much for goalkeepers. Soon the big names come out. Fernandes and Mbeumo both go for 8 million – perhaps a little less than I had thought. I snap up Gyokeres for 13 – just a bit over my 12.5 estimate and Watkins for 11.5: half my budget gone, perhaps over-priced but two top strikers. Colin inevitably buys Dubravka and the injured Colwill. Salah comes out of the hat and his £18million price is lower than I had thought, which again makes me think I’ve probably overpaid.
If Haaland is less than Salah I need to get him. Isak comes and goes amongst much hubbub for 14.5 million. Is that too cheap? I have no idea now. Pedro goes for 10. Then Haaland comes up. I keep my counsel as the bidding creeps up, then get involved against Matt when it reaches £15 million. Less than Salah, I keep thinking. But Matt doesn’t stop. It’s a classic auction showdown. The wild west whistles can be heard. It gets to £18.5 million. As an auction veteran, I take a moment to consider my options. If I bid, I’ll have spent £43.5 of my budget and only have 3 players. I’ll have no leverage over other managers for the rest of the auction. Would Palmer be better value?
Matt looks calm, relaxed, confident. Has he resolved to buy Haaland at any price? Can I change tack and keep bidding him up? “£20 million.” It’s Jimmy, shattering my thought processes from out of nowhere. In a flash, the hammer has gone down, and Haaland has gone. Within seconds, Saka goes for £14 million and Madueke goes for just £0.1 million -which is either the buy of the auction or a wasted squad place. I don’t know. I don’t know – I always know, what is going on?
It’s a break, I need to recalibrate, I need to refocus. I need to change my drink order.
The drink orders. A classic tell. Those ordering beers are trying to tell us they are relaxed, just here for a good time, hoping they are hiding the devious logical mind and copious notes they have prepared. Those ordering lemonade and lime are trying to give the impression of being sensible, rational sober managers. Those switching to coffee have usually made quite a few blunders and are looking to re-focus. Ivan asks for a New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc, preferably South Island – a classic power play. Quite what Vincenzo’s father, proclaimed as “the world heavyweight champion of Sicilian liars” would have made of Franco ordering a cider with kiwi and lime is not known.
I order a coffee. Black -that’s the right image.
The nominations are done at these breaks. We write three names on paper which go into a hat to be pulled out at random. Nominations are vital in strategies, and I consider my options. Keep Palmer back, and he may go cheap. Let’s get the big over-priced mistakes out there. So, Wood, Wirtz, Cunha go down. As well as Palmer I have my eye on Strand Larsen, Evanilson, Bowen, Rogers, Eze, – they might all be snapped up cheaply if they don’t appear this round. And Cherki of Man City is the jewel: don’t mention him and he could be mine for free towards the end. Keep bidding others up, avoid buying unwanted squad-fillers and my laser-like focus will get me through. The coffee arrives. I decide I want milk after all. Keep it relaxed. No panic, I’ve got his.
The next 20 minutes are an unmitigated auction disaster. Strand Larsen comes and goes for a bit more than I want to pay. Wood doesn’t go for enough. I find myself with Timber – who I don’t think will start regularly – after bidding 0.5 to theoretically just keep his price going up. Wirtz and Cunha both go for 9.5 – I had hoped they would be much more. Bowen goes for £8 million to Charlie who also gets Fullkrug for £3.5m for an all West Ham forward line. Surely a mistake!
Then Gibbs-White comes out. He’ll go for at least £5million, so I am happily bidding him up until I find myself stuck with him at £4.5. A good player, but now I’ve spent £5 million on players I did not want. Thiago of Brentford is nominated much earlier than I wanted -and I buy him for one bid over my top estimate of £1.5.million. I realise I have over-spent on all 3 players I did want and have also spent £5m on two players I was only trying to bid up. I only have £19.5 million left. Is the air-conditioning working?
Then the big one. Cole Palmer. If I can get him for under £15million, I can pretend Thiago is the big name and have my 4 big hitters, and be back on track. It’s Matt. Again! I bid my £15 million. Matt pauses, takes an age, and bids £15.5 million. What now? I’ve overpaid for everyone so far. I can’t do it again. Or can I? One more bid and maybe it’ll all be alright.
“16 million.” Says Boyd, out of nowhere. He’s an Arsenal fan. He’s not allowed to buy Tottenham or Chelsea players, surely. The hammer goes down. Sold. I need to evaluate many of my life choices and set myself up for a disciplined and effective second half of the auction. Focus, quietly re-set and spot the value.
Except other people have other ideas.
Conversation. Another tell, and an active one. Let’s try to get others to show what they think of some names without necessarily telling me. Who knows who will start for Man City? Sow seeds of doubt and confusion. Get them to under-rate Cherki.
Unfortunately, other managers decided now was not the time to evaluate the starting chances of the variety of Man City players still available, but to blather on about irrelevant personal stuff like their children’s challenges at school, ill parents and the traumatic challenges of a divorce. ‘Yeah yeah, but do you think Foden will start?”. just felt like the wrong response. I wondered what Coccotti would do, but realised he probably couldn’t help me know.
I was feeling quite discombobulated. I nominated players quickly –others will pay too much for Bradley, Murphy and Guimaraes I reasoned. I returned to beer – but low alcoholic this time. Colin the newbie had inevitably got his entire team already so took up the auction hammer with enthusiasm. And my team quickly took shape. An awful shape.
No one wanted Bradley, so I had him on a free, now giving me two full backs I did not want. I absent mindedly bid for Yoro and got him for 0.1 when the bidding stopped on me. I momentarily improved things by getting Evanilson (£8 million – again too much) but almost immediately ruined it by deciding £2.5 million was too much for a punt on Minteh and then bidding aimlessly as Brennan Johnson rushed up to £3 million and then the musical chairs stopped, leaving me with a likely non-starting midfielder. I needed a re-boot.
Food. Everyone’s food orders are another clear tell. Some go without eating – a show of mental strength? Others go for salad – healthy, focused. Vegetarian options are much more popular than 15 years ago. Franco chose Battered Sausage with Scotch Egg on the side – a remarkable meat with meat combination that is a perfect reflection of Franco’s hitherto legendary poor Fantasy League decisions. For me? The chicken burger with pineapple. Subconsciously, it perfectly represented the confused mess of my team.
For a brief while, though things picked up. Munoz for £1million was great. Alt-Nouri for £2.5 potentially solid. £0.5 for Tarkovski not a problem. I then realised I had bought 4 full backs – a schoolboy error. I had only 2 midfielders, and in panic mode I bought Adingra for £0.1 million. There are loads of better options out there, what am I doing?
I realised that key Arsenal defenders had not gone, and I already had 2 Arsenal players. I nudged Paul into nominating them, and was pleased to see they went for £6 million, though less pleased when I realised Matt now had a back line of Gabriel, Saliba and Van Dijk. ‘So much for getting a defence for under £5 million ‘ he chuckled. Hang on, that’s my strategy. Had I let it slip last year?
£6.3 million, left. I needed a goalkeeper and someone else. I had more money than most though, except Neil who never spends any money at the auction and always looks to snap up late transfer window signings with his left over budget. I nominated Vicario, and got him for free. I had lots of leverage, and play this right and I could get who I wanted. Cherki was still there. I could perhaps get him and carry a few million into the season. All was not lost.
Konate came up. Liverpool’s defender had not been nominated. There were a lot of people bidding – but I realise that none of them had more then £5.5 million. I could really annoy them if I bid £6 million, which would be funny, I thought.
There are, apparently, times in life when people say what they are thinking, without thinking, and immediately regret it. Sadly, for me, this was one of those times. I, seemingly, said ‘£6 million’. I, apparently ended up with Konate. I smiled through it. “Rumours are Liverpool are going to buy Guehi”, someone said, just to stick the knife in.
My team was done, just as I had been. I had bought an over-priced defender, and paid for midfielders who will not get more points than others who will be available on a free. I only have 2 top hitters. I have only £0.3 million to take into the season, less than everyone else. And 4 full backs. Still, Cherki hasn’t gone yet and…. “Brilliant’ shouts Paul. “ I can’t believe I got Cherki for just 0.1.”
Oh …biscuits. Cheese and crackers.
Self-realisation can be hard. I’d have been rubbish as Mr Blue Lou Boyle’s consigliore. I’m not the smooth auction guru I think myself to be. I can’t even get the better of 9 men each of whom I’ve known over 20 years, some 30. My team is a damp squib of a side, over-priced and full of squad fillers. To top it all, Colin’s team is better than mine. And in the post-auction debrief my side is apparently worse than Franco’s – Franco who presents the medals as it’s the only chance he ever has of being close to silverware.
At the end of True Romance, Alabama says of her beau Clarence “Amid the chaos of that day, when all I could hear was the thunder of gunshots, and all I could smell was the violence in the air, I look back and am amazed that my thoughts were so clear and true. That three words went through my mind endlessly. You’re so cool. You’re so cool. You’re so cool.”
This was supposed to be the celebratory, self-congratulatory end to this piece. Instead, amid the chaos of the bids, I was not cool. My thoughts were far from clear and true, they were muddled and deceitful. All I could smell was my own panic.
It is going to be a long hard season., and I can’t wait.
