The Universe Wants You to Win (A Fantasy League Manifesto)
Every Fantasy League manager knows despair. You spend ages agonising over transfers, talk yourself into a brave defensive decision, and watch him get subbed off in the 74th minute. It’s at that point the fatalism sets in. You tell yourself: “It’s all rigged. Whatever I do will go wrong.”
And so begins the slow slide into paralysis. You stop making changes. You stare at your team like it’s an ex you still follow on Instagram — hope replaced by a heart full of regret and bad decisions. Paranoia dominates – — whatever you do will go wrong and the world is conspiring against you.
The season feels lost. You feel like the world is mocking you.
Enter: Pronoia
But what if the world isn’t mocking you? What if it’s secretly working in your favour?
That’s pronoia: the belief that life is conspiring to help you. Ridiculous? Sure. But no more ridiculous than believing the opposite — that the Fantasy gods exist purely to torment you.
So this season I’m trying something different. I’m assuming the universe wants me to win. That every bad week is just the set-up for the redemption arc. That the Fantasy gods are actually rooting for me — they’re just writing a better story.
The Hidden Joy of the Ridiculous
Week 9 gave us 32 goals. Only two matches — Arsenal’s 1-0 and Brentford’s 3-2 against Liverpool — had the usual suspects scoring. Everywhere else, chaos reigned. Rodon, Aaronsen, Garnacho, Cash, Munetsi, and even Kostoulas decided to join the fun. 14/32 goals were scored by players still available in our league.
Indeed, the players at the top of the points scoring in each defensive category include many who nobody would have predicted and who will be available in so many leagues. Roefs and Petrovic in goal, Hume, Cash, O’Reilly, Truffert,Mukiele, at Full Back, and Burnley’s Hartman has 4 assists already – the highest in the league. At centre back Sunderland and Bournemouth options again jump out at you, and it may surprise to see that Leeds have the 4th best xG against after nine games (9.2) and are over 4 goals ahead of more popular defences such as Chelsea and Everton. Joe Rodon at centre back is their top scorer, a threat at every set piece – and likely available in many leagues.
It is perhaps harder to find surprising (and thus available) names in amongst the midfielders and strikers – players tend to get snapped up days after they score (I’m
talking about you Eli Kroupi). But there are still opportunities to be had – Casemiro, Palhinha, Zubimendi, Xhaka are all offering attacking points as well as defensive strength for those playing defensive midfielders. Sean Longstaff is 4th for big chances created this season, and try to guess who is top for expected assists so far this season (answer at the end).
And — because Fantasy League life is about what will happen next — we can look to the future: Buendia had come back into favour at Villa, and yet his injury may offer a chance to Jadon Sancho. Watkins’ poor form offers a window for Guessand and Malen. Kostoulas is beginning to get Premier league minutes for Brighton and will score if given the chance- as will Tsimaz (who still needs to be listed!) who has a phenomenal goals/90 in his short career. Fulham have a good run of games with the opportunity to kick start some underwhelming individual performances – who might get their points? Manchester United’s defence is no longer a joke, and they’ve already played Liverpool and Manchester City away. What defensive points could be grabbed there? You will have your own views on what the next month may offer – and you are almost certainly right.
And that’s the beauty of it. Every week the universe scatters breadcrumbs of opportunity and dares you to follow them. You won’t get them all right — you’re not meant to. The game isn’t about perfect prediction; it’s about surviving the absurdity with dignity (and the occasional lucky assist).
Small Miracles
Pronoia isn’t just a Fantasy League mindset; it’s a way to stay sane in everyday life.
The real beauty of pronoia is that it gets rid of the negative thoughts that have no basis in reality. Instead of imagining negative thoughts and comments that people might be making, why not imagine positive ones?
When you go to bed, don’t replay the one decision you may have botched, or the one negative comment you heard. Instead, imagine that the world noticed the many you got right. Imagine it cheering you on. Focus on the positives. And if you didn’t hear any positives, imagine what those positives would have been had you been able to hear them.
That roundabout you took so safely? Stunning form. That joke you didn’t say out loud in a meeting? Genuinely hilarious. That humongous poo you curled out this morning? Textbook. Your guts are in magnificent working order. The world applauds.
Because if you’re going to invent imaginary critics, why not invent imaginary fans? They will treat you so much better.
The Long Game
The truth is, every outcome gives you something. Sometimes you get what you want and it feels glorious. Sometimes you don’t and you gain perspective, humility, or a good story for the pub. Wins build confidence; setbacks build character. Both count.
So yes, the Fantasy season will still hurt you. Players will blank. Defenders will score own goals in the 98th minute. But you can choose to believe it’s all part of a grand plan — the slow-burn narrative of your eventual comeback.
Because the universe isn’t against you. It’s just dramatic. It is just working in your favour in ways you don’t yet understand.
Believe in pronoia. The points — and the poetry — are coming.
And the answer to who leads the league in expected assists? Everton’s Iliman Ndiaye. Of course.
